I give you air from my lungs!

When I was growing up, we sang all kinds of songs that I just loved. "I’ve been redeemed by the blood of the lamb." "You are my all in all." "Oh Lord prepare me to be a sanctuary." "Light the fire in my heart again." The thing was, I sang these song, but, for me, they meant nothing.

It might seem odd that a child, raised in a loving Christian home would be so baffled by God’s grace. But I was. I heard phrases like “fear God.” The stories of people being killed (in the Old and New Testaments) were the reasons I went to church. I didn’t want to get struck dead.

But inside I was bitter. And I was dying.

At first, I tried to get a few people’s attention, but I thought the answers they gave me were trite. Pray about it. Talk to God. Read your Bible. How foolish are you? That was what I always thought. I really and truly thought that my problems were too big for God. And even if they weren’t. He didn’t care. 

Not about me. Not about some random girl in Tennessee.

For years, the path got darker. For good or ill, I am incredibly stubborn. This time, it was not a good thing. I was determined for someone else to save me. I wasn’t going to work. I wanted to be swept off my feet and have my heart be instantly healed.

But I just kept looking in all the wrong places.

Then I went to Mercy Ministries. And every day, I begged to go home. I was getting better but it hurt! And not like cutting. This was reopening old wounds, cleaning them out, and trying to learn to let God heal them. But I fought it every step of the way.

They let me graduate on time, but I knew I wasn’t ready to leave. I didn’t really have my feet firmly under me. I came home and I made some mistakes. And I beat myself up for it. “That’s not how a Mercy graduate is supposed to act!” “You know better than that! What are you doing?!”

And when I wasn’t beating myself up, I was becoming more and more bitter towards the very people who had helped me.

I don’t know exactly when the turn around happened. I don’t know if it was when I switched medications or if it was just in spending more time with family and friends. I don’t know if it was from finally getting myself into the habit of doing a daily Bible study and listening to more Christian music.

What I do know, is that God has breathed life into me. And He is continuing to do so. I got to see my Mercy sisters (or some of them) about a week ago and it was amazing! I have gone to church several weeks in a row (which if you know me, you know how very rare this is).

I have preached things at others for years, but I didn’t do those things in my own life. I knew what was right, but I thought I was above all of that; that I could (and should!) do it on my own. The fact is, though, we were made to live in community. The hand cannot live separate from the body.

This doesn’t mean I can “save” anyone. Only God can do that, and the person has to be willing to let Him work on them. But oh! God is SO amazing! There was a time when I thought I wouldn’t live past 21. Yet here I am at 23, about to graduate from college! Life isn’t perfect by any stretch, but I have the utmost confidence that God can redeem even the worst of things!

It is never to late to turn to God. You are never too far gone. He didn’t just keep me breathing. He has made me fully alive!