spiritual insta-fix

I know I haven't post anything in over a week. It's been one of those weeks where I have struggled. And I don't want to. I still have this idea in my head that I have to have it all together (at least on the outside). I keep trying to find the right formula or fix. And you know what? There isn't one. This is part of living life. God isn't mad at me. He loves me.

So why do I feel like I need to be perfect? Maybe it's part of the church I grew up in. There were many wonderful people there. But we never talked about struggles or flaws. And there were several times where I saw it blow up in people's faces. It broke my heart! Yet even now, over 6 years since I left that church, I get really nervous about really letting people see what is going on.

But we all have things going on! I have learned over the past few years that even the people who seem to have it all together can have crazy things going on in their personal lives. This doesn't make any of us bad! It makes us human. And it's awesome to pray and strive to be better. But I am having to learn to not beat myself up for the past; to not isolate simply for fear of judgment.

I put on a strong front because that is what I want people to see. I don't want them to see the girl who is terrified of getting hurt. I want for everyone to see the incredible things that God has done in my life, yet it is so hard to let people into what He is still doing. I'm like, no, that isn't finished! Don't go in there! The flaw I am finding with that, though, is shame. Or pride depending on how you look at it. Because I don't know if it's really about me or God right now. Either way, I am way too concerned about what others think. I tell people all the time to not worry about what anyone else says, and yet one off-hand comment can be a dagger to my heart. Things have been said where I have just sat and nursed my injuries for days over things that people probably just didn't even think about before they said.

All of this comes back to the same thing: We are all human! For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). None of us will ever be perfect in this lifetime. And that doesn't make God love any of us less! He loves us in our mess! It's crazy and I don't understand it but I know it is true. My mess is different than it was 5 years ago or even 6 months ago, but in many ways, I am a spiritual child and I can still make a royal mess out of the simplest things. Parents can get really worn out by kids, but God is perfect and He is SOOOO patient with me! I keep thinking of the song "How Deep the Father's Love." In some ways it seems like a sad song, but I remember singing it years ago and it never seemed sad. I didn't understand the meaning behind the words.

How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

I don't like thinking of myself as a wretch, but the fact of the matter is that without Christ, there would be no hope. God doesn't rate sin. It's not about doing enough good things to outweigh the bad (which by the way, can't be done). I don't want this to sound negative. The point I am trying to make is that we are gonna screw up. It's life. But God loves us unconditionally! He never changes! He is the embodiment of love! He is grace and mercy and peace. Yet He loves me! I will never understand it. His ways are not our ways. And maybe, just maybe, as I learn to rely more and more on Him, I can learn to worry less and less about my "image" and what others will think. Blessings and peace to you all.

maybe the little things aren't always little

So I am definitely one of those people that sets out thinking about how well off I am and how I need to help those less fortunate than me. Over this semester particularly though, I am really beginning to see in a whole new way that money is far from being the only thing that matters.

I say that because for a long time, I always made sure to buy The Contributor from anyone I saw. I never tipped them. I never really spoke to them. But I felt really good about myself (oh and I never bothered to read any of the stuff either!).

Well a while back I remember someone telling me that if you couldn't afford to buy a paper, at least carry around something to give to them, like water or little peanut butter and crackers or even baby wipes (heck, all of the above if you can!), and then one you see someone, just offer them something.

Small gesture, right? I mean, you can get over 30 water bottles for less than $4 at Costco. So basically I started doing this to ease my conscience. (and I hope you can all read the rest of this in the spirit it is written. this really has nothing to do with me being an awesome person or something).

I didn't think giving out water would have much of an impact on me. How wrong I was! The first time I handed a man a water bottle, something in me started to break. What is this man's life like? He is a person just like all my friends and family. God loves this man! And 90% (or more) or the time, I have just driven past these people or thought of them simply collectively as "the homeless."

That is not how God sees them.

I drive the same route five days a week at pretty much the same time every day. So over the past 2 months or so, I have seen the same man, almost every day. I miss him when he isn't there. I wonder if he is ok. If he is there, he is just such a blessing. No matter what the day has been like, he brings a smile to my face. I give him a water bottle each day (and yes, I take it in to work so that the water is at least a bit cool), and every time a new paper comes out, he gives me a copy.

It started out as me wanting to ease my conscience. And now... I don't even know how to explain it. This man is such a blessing to me in ways I can't describe. He knows essentially nothing about me except that my name is Claire, I bring him water most days, and I drive a red car. I know his name is Demetrius. I know he waves at me in such an excited way each day that I drive up. And I know that every day I see him, he just blesses my heart.

I can't afford to give him money every day, but I can afford to give him a bottle of water. I have no clue what his background is, nor does he know anything of mine. But each day, we greet each other with a smile. I don't know who is more excited to see who.

Why do I say all of this? Because I am all too often focused on me (simply look at my posts and note the number of "I," "me," "mine," "my," etc.). Yet God has been able to open my eyes to see others. Yes, God cares deeply about me. And He cares deeply about all of His children. Demetrius is one of God's children and I will miss him so very much when this internship is done.

It's is so strange the things that I see when I am just open to God revealing things to me. This week started out pretty crappy, but every day, Demetrius brightens my day. I don't know where he goes when he isn't standing on that corner. I wonder on nights like tonight when it is pouring rain if he has somewhere dry to go. And I realize that these are the things in life that are important. Little things or inexpensive things often seem silly (or even free, like a smile) but they can do the heart so much good. So often we take things like food and water and shelter and clean clothes for granted! And yet if you think about it, there are so many people who don't know where their next meal is coming from. They can't afford the $2 to go buy a bottle of water (and yes, that is what a cold bottle of water costs in most stores here).

So often I get so obsessed with having the "right" things or the "cool" things. And I forget just how very blessed I am! I have all of my physical needs met. I have a wonderful church home. My family, while irritating at times... I know they love me and I love them. It's not all about the money. Sometimes its just a small gesture to say hey, I see you and so does God. And when it just becomes part of every day life... it is just the coolest thing ever!

We used to sing a song at church that I didn't understand. It said "Open the eyes of my heart Lord. I want to see You." I think I understand that so much better after meeting Demetrius. So tonight, I am sitting down to read my newest copy of The Contributor and I am going to say a prayer for Demetrius and all the other men and women and children who don't even have the things we take for granted. And I am going to thank God for allowing me to see Demetrius because he never fails to brighten my day.

Poem from Mercy 2010

I was reorganizing some things in my room this morning and found a poem a dear friend wrote while we were at Mercy Ministries together. She got there exactly one week after I did, so we were there together almost the entire time. I hope this speaks to my Mercy sisters as well as anyone who is struggling. God is the Great Physician. Blessings and peace to you all today and every day!

Dear Sister,

We never thought this day would come

When we’d walk through these doors

And be greeted with love.

Mercy was a dream

This place wasn't real

Our hope was fading

Would we ever be healed?

I know when I say

The next stanza or two

That we’ll all agree

We don’t know how we got through

As kids we were free

To dream and to play

We all had a vision

Of where we’d be today

But somewhere along the pathway of life

These dreams were soon shattered

And our lives turned to strife

We looked at the world

And saw nothing but lies

And thought “That’s what I need to just stay alive.”

We hurt our own bodies

To cope with the pain

To cry we felt weak

But to live was in vain

I know that we’ve laid

Upon our beds at night

Pleading with God

To just end our life

The doctors and nurses

Gave us some meds

Collected their money

And many of them said

You’ll always be sad

You’ll always be sick

If you want to get better

You need lots of money and quick!

But now we can say

We’re sorry, you’re wrong!

‘Cuz now we are free

In Christ we are strong!

Our saving grace

Died on a cross

He paid for our sins

So we’d no longer be lost

You see my dear sister

We’ve finally found love

Not just in Mercy

But Christ up above

No matter the sin

He loves you the same

His love is unending

He’s taken our shame

He is the answer

When the world tells us no

Our lives are now His

In Him we are whole!