spiritual insta-fix

I know I haven't post anything in over a week. It's been one of those weeks where I have struggled. And I don't want to. I still have this idea in my head that I have to have it all together (at least on the outside). I keep trying to find the right formula or fix. And you know what? There isn't one. This is part of living life. God isn't mad at me. He loves me.

So why do I feel like I need to be perfect? Maybe it's part of the church I grew up in. There were many wonderful people there. But we never talked about struggles or flaws. And there were several times where I saw it blow up in people's faces. It broke my heart! Yet even now, over 6 years since I left that church, I get really nervous about really letting people see what is going on.

But we all have things going on! I have learned over the past few years that even the people who seem to have it all together can have crazy things going on in their personal lives. This doesn't make any of us bad! It makes us human. And it's awesome to pray and strive to be better. But I am having to learn to not beat myself up for the past; to not isolate simply for fear of judgment.

I put on a strong front because that is what I want people to see. I don't want them to see the girl who is terrified of getting hurt. I want for everyone to see the incredible things that God has done in my life, yet it is so hard to let people into what He is still doing. I'm like, no, that isn't finished! Don't go in there! The flaw I am finding with that, though, is shame. Or pride depending on how you look at it. Because I don't know if it's really about me or God right now. Either way, I am way too concerned about what others think. I tell people all the time to not worry about what anyone else says, and yet one off-hand comment can be a dagger to my heart. Things have been said where I have just sat and nursed my injuries for days over things that people probably just didn't even think about before they said.

All of this comes back to the same thing: We are all human! For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). None of us will ever be perfect in this lifetime. And that doesn't make God love any of us less! He loves us in our mess! It's crazy and I don't understand it but I know it is true. My mess is different than it was 5 years ago or even 6 months ago, but in many ways, I am a spiritual child and I can still make a royal mess out of the simplest things. Parents can get really worn out by kids, but God is perfect and He is SOOOO patient with me! I keep thinking of the song "How Deep the Father's Love." In some ways it seems like a sad song, but I remember singing it years ago and it never seemed sad. I didn't understand the meaning behind the words.

How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

I don't like thinking of myself as a wretch, but the fact of the matter is that without Christ, there would be no hope. God doesn't rate sin. It's not about doing enough good things to outweigh the bad (which by the way, can't be done). I don't want this to sound negative. The point I am trying to make is that we are gonna screw up. It's life. But God loves us unconditionally! He never changes! He is the embodiment of love! He is grace and mercy and peace. Yet He loves me! I will never understand it. His ways are not our ways. And maybe, just maybe, as I learn to rely more and more on Him, I can learn to worry less and less about my "image" and what others will think. Blessings and peace to you all.